Into the Fire

                       (From my unpublished novel The Fixer)

Chapter 1

The rain assaulted the trees, the gutters, the double-pane windows, hard and cold, leaving even the midday seeming like the darkness of evening. Unpleasant to watch, she twisted the blinds closed and decided it could be just as gloomy inside as it was outside. Miserable. Chilled inside herself. Darkness triumphed.
      A single tear wandered down her cheek, but she waited until it tickled the line of her jaw before she hurriedly wiped it away. Before she could stop them, they bunched in her eyes and flooded her cheeks and inevitably she gave way to sobbing.
     Without wanting to acknowledge it, she’d been living the last four years of her life for this day. Waiting for it. Almost but not quite ushering it in. She’d expected it, and therefore in her own way she’d made it happen. Knowing as the time progressed how deeply it would hurt. But not really knowing. Because this was way beyond any feelings and all reactions she’d tried so diligently in the back of her mind to simulate. So much more painful than she had inadvertently prepared for—in all that make-believe way she’d anticipated him leaving her—even dared him to do it, she realized now. Too late to correct. Too late to rework in her convoluted mind games.
     Of course the telephone rang. Which sister would it be? One or the other she was sure. It wouldn’t be Dean. No matter how much she wished it was.
     She glanced at the Caller ID and considered whether or not to pick it up, but why prolong the inevitable?
     “Hi, Lamb,” she answered quietly, knowing her voice betrayed her tears.
     “I’m coming over.” Her sister’s voice sustained the quiet.
     “Don’t,” she instructed without much authority.
     “Fifteen minutes.”
     She’d hung up. Darn it! She hurried into the bathroom to repair herself—not going to look the victim here.
     To the minute came the knock on the door before her sister opened it and came inside, almost soaked just from hurrying up to the cozy but spacious screened porch from the gravel driveway.
     They hugged each other after Lamb removed her dampened coat and walked to drape it over one of the kitchen chairs. “Why, Doe?” Tears visible in her eyes. “Dean loves you. You love him. What’s the deal?”
The questions she didn’t ask were the ones that blared.
     “'Why don’t you want to marry him? Why in the world would you ever want to emulate Mom and Dad’s life?’ Those are the real questions you want to ask, aren’t they?” the older sister clipped out a little more loudly than she meant to.
     Lamb looked slightly upward at her taller sister, who of the three of them looked the most like their deceased mother. She kept quiet for an extra moment as she forced herself to take control. “Alright. Why?”
     Doe walked over to the couch and plopped into the soft leather. “It wouldn’t work,” was all she said.
     Lamb sat on the nearest chair. “Because you wouldn’t let it? Why’d you start the relationship, Doe? Why’d you let yourself and Dean fall in love if sabotage is what you had in mind? I’m sorry—I don’t get it. Help me out here.”
     “I can’t explain it.”
     “Huh-uh. That’s not going to get it. Not for me. And it probably didn’t get it for Dean either, Doe. You can’t tell me you don’t love him.”
     “He would’ve left me someday anyway.” Her defenses up, her voice resigned.
     “Why would you say that?”
     “He would’ve, Lamb. Trust me.”
     “I see. Because you would’ve driven him away? What—you’re assuming all men are like Dad was?”
     “Aren’t they? In their own ways? You know Dean. Women are drawn to him.”
     “And he was drawn to you,” Lamb said, her voice strained.
     “For now.”
     Lamb bolted out of the chair. “Well, it just so happens that now is what we have, isn’t it? Now is it! He wanted to extend the here and now. Make it legal. Make it stick. How could that not matter to you?!” She regretted expressing her exasperation with her sister’s twisted view of relationships as she failed to stop the outburst. “You are not Mom, Doe. No matter how much you loved her or even admired her—you’re your own person. Mom was . . . well, Mom was different. You know that. In some ways she was downright weird, Doe, and I don’t mean that disrespectfully. But she was. Who would name their three illegitimate daughters after animals? Who would stick with their unfaithful father until he left us all? Come on, Doe. You had a chance to have a man who loved you and you alone marry you and settle down with you. You’ve been living like a married couple for four years, Doe. Tell me you’ve fallen out of love with him if you have. Tell me!”
     Doe expected her sister’s onslaught, but what she hadn’t anticipated was how the words would ring so true. The emotional brick wall she’d taken years to erect began to slide and shift under their earth-quaking reality. The tears she fought so hard to control came rushing once again.
     “Look at you!” The exasperation merged with compassion. “You’re a masochist. Just like Mom.” She observed it in wonderment. She sat beside her beautiful older sister and held her as she cried. After a few moments, she said, “We’re going to fix this, Doe. We’re going to talk to Dean and fix this.”
     “No!” Doe pulled away from her sister’s embrace. “No. I can’t. I need time to figure this out, Lamb. You may think it’s just a stupid mistake on my part, but you don’t know how ingrained these feelings are. I can’t shed them overnight.” She paused and sobbed. “If I could’ve, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
     Lamb stared at her sister with a numbness settling over her emotions. She didn’t understand. Not at all. As hard as she might try, she didn’t think she ever could either. Why fall in love if only to plot its demise? And that’s exactly what Doe had done. Slowly, methodically, the deeper she fell, the more devoted Dean became, Doe had put the screws to their relationship. Forced him to make a decision when she held back on purpose. He made the only one he could make. This was the result.

Father, thank you is never enough for all you do for me, for all the words, all the inspiration. Apart from you, I can do nothing. In the Name of Jesus, Amen.