Into the Fire

She felt the usual guilt driving home. She never experienced sex without guilt. Plus she felt guilty about leaving Matt there alone. He accommodated her every need for independence, never pushed her or their relationship into going somewhere she didn’t want to go—he was a strong, yet tender guy, but . . . but what? “What?!” she screamed out loud in the confines of her car, slapping the steering wheel with her left palm. The short drive home came to an end without any questions answered, as usual, and sometimes she felt like she absolutely hated herself for the decisions she’d made all through her life that left her in such a state of confusion and disarray. Maybe she should just end her relationship with Matt. She’d miss him for sure—he was a wonderful guy! But she couldn’t really make him happy the way she was, and so consequently he couldn’t make her happy either. Once inside the door she dropped her purse on the floor and shut the door harder than she intended. “How many times have I had this conversation?” she asked herself. “I’m sick of it.” Without warning the tears came in a rush. “Just sick of it,” she sobbed.

“Hey, CM! Your boyfriend’s here,” Char whispered excitedly. “Listen, if you ever dump him, let me know, alright? Talk about drop dead gorgeous!”
“Matt’s here?” CM asked in surprise, standing in her cubicle.
Char gestured secretively with her hand in front of her concealed by her body to a spot behind her across the room.
When she looked around Char, Matt caught her eye and put up his hand in a discreet wave. CM smiled nervously. What’s he doing here? she almost said aloud.
“Hi, Matt. What’s up?” she asked pleasantly.
“Do you have a minute? I brought you a mocha,” he said reaching down to the table behind him and producing the coffee.
“Uh, sure. Thanks,” she replied. “I think the interview room is open. C’mon.”
She led the way to a small room with a round table and four maple captain’s chairs. He sat down at the table and she joined him.
“Normally I wouldn’t bother you at work. I’m sorry for that, but I don’t have a lot of time.”
“That’s okay. What’s going on?” she asked with concern, sipping the mocha and noticing how uncharacteristically serious he was. “Is something wrong?”
“Well, no—and yes, in a way. Look, CM, I’m leaving for California. This afternoon. I got a job offer that, well, it’s an incredible offer.” He looked down briefly, then continued. “To be honest with you, my first inclination was to ask you to go with me,” he said, looking directly into her subdued blue eyes. “But I knew that wouldn’t fly with you. And because of that fact, I decided to take the transfer and head back home. The main reason I’m here, CM, is to tell you I’ve been falling in love with you, but I know you don’t feel the same. It’s been fairly difficult these past couple months to carry on the way it’s always been with us, so I figured I’d just leave you alone and maybe you can find someone who floats your boat or whatever. Or maybe you won’t have to be encumbered with a ‘relationship’ at all. Anyway, I figured I’d just head out and spend a week with my folks and then get started on my new job.”
CM hated the tears flooding her eyes were making it impossible to speak. There seemed to be a plug in her throat, and she knew if she dared to pull it, a dam of emotion would leave her in an ocean of weeping. So she simply nodded.
Matthew Preston pushed his handsome 6 ft. frame out of the chair and stood, looking down at the woman he loved—more like a girl in a lot of ways, he thought. Truthfully, he was relieved to see her choked up. He’d half expected her to congratulate him with an enthusiastic smile and wish him well. He reached down and pulled her up to him.
“If you change your mind, I’ll be waiting,” he said sadly. Then he took her face in his strong hands and kissed her lips tenderly. “I love you, CM.” Then he walked out of the room and down the hall, leaving her to her life.

Matthew Earl Preston had decided a month ago to take this new job—to relocate back in his home state of California. So, by the time he told his company that he’d accept their lucrative offer, his younger brother James had agreed to take over his lease and apartment, and they squared it all up with the manager. His parents were looking forward to spending time with Matt and having him around the area again.
His first thoughts upon receiving this promotion went immediately to CM. He’d already determined she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with—no one had achieved that status in his life, although many had certainly tried. Until she dropped her Tully’s double mocha on his brand new shoes as she rushed out of the coffee shop one early rainy morning on her way to work, he’d convinced himself he was having fun playing the field. He smiled as he remembered the mixed expressions instantaneously crossing her face at that moment. First, there was utter disdain that someone had gotten in her way and wasted her full mocha when she was in such a hurry. Then as she looked up to see who this scalawag might be, she was obviously taken aback by his handsomeness—this blondish 6 ft. man dressed in a black cashmere overcoat, exposing a pinstriped suit. Those shoes had cost him $350.00.
“I—oh, I’m sooo sorry,” she stammered, her hands almost transfixed in a surrendered position. “Uh, let me get some napkins,” she said as she turned around quickly to head back into the shop and nearly separated another patron from his fancy cup of coffee.
At that point, Matt had smiled at her and gently led her by the arm out of the way and back into the coffee shop. “It’s alright,” he’d said kindly. “They’re just shoes, you know.”
She’d blushed a hot shade of red and apologized again. “Is there anything I can do?” she asked, exaggerating her hand gestures in complete embarrassment.
“Well, yeah, now that you mention it, there is,” he’d replied with some seriousness and then nearly burst out laughing as he watched a new expression of sheer panic appear on her face. “You can let me replace what you dropped.”
It didn’t register on her face for a few seconds what he was proposing, but when it did, she replied, “Oh, no. I couldn’t let you do that—it was my fault. Too big a hurry as usual. Always cutting it too close, you know? No—let me buy yours this morning,” she’d added, fumbling in her purse for her wallet. “It’s the least I could do.”
Gently he had stopped her search. “I insist.”
She’d blushed again and remained silent.
“Since you’re in a hurry, I won’t keep you, but here’s my card,” he’d offered, reaching smoothly into his inside coat pocket. “I’d like an opportunity to talk to you. Do you come here every morning?”
“Well, yeah, but—”
“Then I’ll meet you here tomorrow, say 6 AM?” he suggested, looking at his watch. “What are you having?” he asked as they arrived at the counter.
Once they got their coffees, he gave her his last pitch. “I know you’re in a hurry, so I’ll be waiting here tomorrow morning. See you then, alright?” He hadn’t waited for her answer.
She’d stood there with her mouth ready to make an excuse but unable to get one formulated in the brief time he gave her to decide.
Matt smiled at the memory. That was a year and a half ago—it seemed like a couple of weeks ago in more ways than one. It seemed that way because he remembered the way he felt when she finally looked up at him after dousing his shoes. She wanted to snarl but was overcome by what he looked like, and it gave him a charge he hadn’t expected—not because of the effect he had on her because, honestly, he was used to getting the double takes from females—but rather because of the effect she had on him. There was this undeniable look of innocence in her eyes, something so rare in nearly every woman he knew these days. She was only 5’ 4” tall and had a slender frame. Her medium brown naturally curly hair was still wet from her morning shower or from the rain outside, and her blue eyes were absolutely penetrating when she’d looked up into his. He was captivated by her being flustered and couldn’t wait to have some time with her, but he sensed the only plausible thing to do with her would be to meet her in a public setting on familiar turf—asking her out would’ve endangered any further contact with her, and he was right about that he later learned once they’d started dating. But, it also seemed like their first encounter had only been a short time ago because once they’d gotten to a certain point in their relationship, CM shut down and what might have grown into true intimacy never materialized on her part. She drew this invisible line in their relationship and refused to cross it, and although she kept redefining the line for Matt, she would never let him cross it either.
The last couple of months had been especially hard for Matt. He was convinced he loved her and wanted to marry her, but talk of any commitment was beyond that sacred line, and rather than risk her running off, he remained quiet and endured. Until he just couldn’t do it anymore. When the job offer came up, he waited for the opportune moment to bring up the possibility of her joining him in his endeavor, but it became clear to him that that special moment was not going to happen, and he began to realize that having her only partially involved in his life was not what he wanted. He couldn’t take the casual relationship anymore. He was a firm believer in moving forward—treading water was tiresome and pointless—something you did only when you hoped to be rescued. Clearly, she wasn’t throwing him a lifeline.

Taken from Sweet Release (2005; written by Nicole Petrino-Salter)