Into the Fire

Even though we all know not to put our faith in human beings, we continue to do just that. We expect certain ones to be “right” about certain things and not to let us down. We can’t help it. It’s better than being cynical. However, the more certain ones let us down when we least expect it, the easier it is to become cynical—and less easy to respect the conduct of people who hold the certain positions where we’re consistently experiencing disappointment.

I grew up respecting every person who held any position of authority. It was easy to respect my parents and most others until the weirdness of the sixties and seventies put “authority” in question. It was a unique time in our country’s history, in some ways a volatile time. There were all kinds of uprisings. Morality was shaken to its core. The Viet Nam War created chaos at home as well as on the battlefield.

In a microcosm of life I observed the misuse of authority in several places, one of them at the place where I made my living: the racetrack. The guards who “governed” the gates to the backstretch could be unreasonable and difficult at times, not thoroughly unjustified, mind you, because they encountered a lot of backstretch personnel who came back to the track in less than sober and cooperative conditions.

Perhaps you’ve become a little jaded because of certain people who hold positions of authority, whether in business or pleasure or even in the church. You want so much to find them worthy of your respect and not just for the “position” they hold but rather because their conduct has earned it.

Now as a human being who is capable of disappointing anyone/everyone, it’s really the last thing I want to do. But even worse is disappointing (or feeling like I have disappointed) God by my mental or physical behavior. In fact, I work hard to exercise self-discipline which I confess does not always come easy. Sometimes I like to shoot from the hip which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can be.

Nevertheless, when people in important positions in my life conduct themselves in unusual and disconcerting ways when I least expect it, it changes my opinion of them. I can’t help but view them differently. When they make decisions which don’t compute for me, I can’t help but wonder why. And if I have to second-guess their reasoning, it’s hard to respect them for the decision. It doesn’t mean I don’t like them or care about them, but respect kind of diminishes. And I find myself thinking: it figures. And I regret that it had to be that way.

This is vague on purpose. Just so you know, it isn’t a family member. Not that it matters. But it is an important person, and I’m definitely disappointed.

Father, I know you love equally. I know you care about each one of us and minister to us as individuals. I know the enemy is quick to disrupt, steal, and destroy us by our own actions and feelings. So help me, Lord, I pray, not to harbor resentment or rancor or any form of bitterness. In the Name of Jesus, Amen.