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Skittish about Sex?

The stipulations for and against sexual references in publishing cover the extremes. From pornographic to erotica to nary a mention of a single sexual reference—all three might be present in certain literature from different publishing houses. From sordid to chaste—it’s all available under the broad label of romance.

 

But do tell me this: how can a novel entertain “romance” without the implication of sexual attraction? Sexual attraction is what fuels romance. Otherwise, a relationship is composed of friendship. Because of the common worldview of sexual attraction, romance is hustled along to intercourse. So rather than experiencing true romance, people immerse themselves in sexual attraction and action instead.

 

Many men balk at being called “romantic”. Many more men balk at having to be romantic. They associate it with a metrosexual, dumbed down version of a virile man, and they resent the performance-based ideals of romanticism.

 

My husband often tells me I’m a die-hard romantic (which of course I am) and then apologizes for not “being more romantic”. The thing is: I think he’s romantic in his own way, and it’s more than enough for me. I think romanticism is a matter of the heart. It appears in sexual attraction, carries over into relationship, and is sustained in real love. And it’s not the same for everyone—nor should it be.

 

I marvel at the romance novels which leave out the physical enticements of sexual attraction. A writer doesn’t have to portray graphic sexuality to imply the heat of attraction between characters. Try as I might to understand, I’m confused why this romantic attraction is off limits to certain readers—as if it’s toxic.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Father, you gave woman to man and the physical oneness to share their love. You have an order and respect for this just as you do in the operation of your entire universe. Forgive us for marring what you ordained as good and right. Help us all to view love, romance, and sex through your perfect eyes. In the Name of Jesus, Amen.

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13 responses to “Skittish about Sex?”

  1. Kristen Torres-Toro Avatar
    Kristen Torres-Toro

    I think the Church (in general) is a huge influence in this. The truth is that no one instantly becomes a sexual being on his/her wedding day, but as a whole the Church acts as if that is so. By not addressing this issue, we create space for the influence of the world, struggles in silence, and the “taboo attitude” directed towards sexual attraction in Christian media.
    Case in point–if you watched the Bachelor last night… Jake kept talking about how he had incredible emotional intimacy with one girl but with the other, well… you get the point. Guess which one he chose?

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  2. Nicole Avatar
    Nicole

    I agree, K. Having come out of the world–and suffered from the sexual influences–I think it’s critical to address these issues honestly. The best way I can do this is through my stories. When I used to teach teens in Sunday School, we had some real, honest discussions about sexual issues. Yes, there were some red faces, but kids came up to me in private and told me they appreciated those times.
    It’s amazing how many Christian adults live in this pseudo sexual world, denying the origin and beauty of God-created sex. I used to be one.
    Don’t watch “The Bachelor”–so who did he choose? The one who turned him on physically?

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  3. Dayle Avatar
    Dayle

    One of the biggest mistakes women make is they confuse male lust with male passion.
    What if your writing causes men to lust? (which we are apt to do)

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  4. Kristen Torres-Toro Avatar
    Kristen Torres-Toro

    Yebo–the one who had “that magical spark” as he put it. I’m not a fan of the show… it was like this train wreck I couldn’t not watch. :0)
    As for us as writers, it’s definitely a difficult line to walk as we write. But I think when it’s done well, it’s completely worth it.
    Hmm, Dayle… I think there need to be more novels on this from a male perspective. I know it would be so difficult to write… maybe even more so than from a female perspective. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t needed. I feel like it would give voice to this just like Ray Blackston did to chick lit with his lad lit novels.

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  5. Nicole Avatar
    Nicole

    Believe me, Dayle, coming out of the world makes the difference very clear for us who once participated.
    Is this the hypothetical proposal we as Christian writers must consider? How can we not address sexuality? The world addresses, portrays, graphically photographs, films, and presents its views, opinions, philosophies, and pictures of it to us every day.
    Let me ask you a personal question you don’t have to answer publicly. Did you lust when you read The Famous One? If the answer is “yes”, then you need not read contemporary novels which either directly address romance or sexual issues. If the answer is “no”, then you’re basically not in danger of succumbing to lust from the majority of CBA novels because I think mine are more specific than most. And what it boils down to is self-discipline.
    Good grief, with all the things that can potentially offend Christians (and the world from Christians), no one would write anything!
    K, I understand. And, hey, we all know how meaningful these relationships turn out to be, huh?

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  6. mike duran Avatar
    mike duran

    “I’m confused why this romantic attraction is off limits to certain readers—as if it’s toxic.” Am I correct to assume you’re talking about Christian readers and publishers? If so, it’s like far too many other topics that Christians turn “toxic.” Readers who want “sexless” lit probably also want it alcohol, tobacco, and profanity-free. Coincidence?
    P.S. I like the new, bigger, font.

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  7. Nicole Avatar
    Nicole

    (Glad you like the font, Mike. I thought of you . . . 🙂 )
    Your former post about what got Ted Dekker in deep do-do referred to a certain CBA publishing imprint with excruciatingly restrictive guidelines for romance novels. Certainly not all CBA publishers enforce such guidelines for any of their fiction including romance novels. (And you know I could cite a bundle of authors/houses/novels to back this up.)
    What I don’t get is why the readers of those novels who have an entire imprint dedicated to supplying them with these restricted stories get so testy about novels outside their sphere of preference. I certainly don’t complain about their choices for reading material.
    I think there’s a very “noisy” element of the buying public who is basically just the “squeaky wheel” and doesn’t speak for the rest of us. At all.

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  8. Nicole Avatar
    Nicole

    (By the way, Mike, I’ve never been a reader of Harlequin Romance.)

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  9. Dayle Avatar
    Dayle

    As I said in a previous discussion, I think you did it very well in The Famous One. As well as anything I’ve read in fiction. You gave a good representation of the difference between loveless sex (or infatuation sex) and love filled sex.
    I think frank discussions can be of great value. I actually do this often in my effort to teach women the difference between guy1 and guy2.
    But yes, guy#2 (remember him?) did lust. Which is kind of my point about the whole we’re all really 2 guys thing. There’s nothing women can do to stop guy #2 from lusting. Even if all women wore hazmat suits, we’d find those sexy too. This is why women are shielded from guy#2. I’m in danger for even talking about it.
    My question is something to consider, though, and I think the answer lies in the “consider the culture” angle. The Bible speaks of not offending others in thier own culture. So it’s not a set in stone line but a relative cultural sensitivity.
    I do think KTT is on to something. We’ve been taught that Godly sex is between a married man and woman. So many may get put off because they feel the author is violating their bedroom.
    If done right, I think it can have the value you speak of. If done wrong, it can interfere with the Godly relations. If romance novels are for some the equivalent of what soap operas have become: porn for women, then, in those instances, it’s a bad thing. I don’t like painting with a broad brush though–except when I’m actually painting.
    Guy #1 likes love stories. Our minds can fill in the rest and more – and it will – even if it’s not a love story. Guy #2 wants it all.

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  10. Dayle Avatar
    Dayle

    Kristen, I’ve been told that my suspense novel is actually a love story. So if you’re looking for a love story from a male perspective, then you’re welcome to read mine.
    It is done from guy 1’s perspective because that’s who’s in charge in my life.

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  11. Nicole Avatar
    Nicole

    (It is, K., and a good one.)
    Okay, Dayle, you touched on an answer to your primary concern when you said: “But yes, guy#2 (remember him?) did lust. Which is kind of my point about the whole we’re all really 2 guys thing. There’s nothing women can do to stop guy #2 from lusting. Even if all women wore hazmat suits, we’d find those sexy too. This is why women are shielded from guy#2. I’m in danger for even talking about it.”
    I tried to tell the story from Joey’s POV, his own lusts, his own desires. He was at heart a “good” guy with no moral compass. But there are #2 guys who aren’t good guys, who look for reasons to lust and behave accordingly. They make and take every opportunity to indulge the flesh. They’re also not likely to read a romance novel. They should be accurately portrayed in stories, though, don’t ya think?
    And what about women who lust? Single, married, Christian, and non, women lust, too. Maybe silently or less conspicuously, but they lust. Somewhere, sometime, IF a person is willing to take responsibility for his/her weakness, the tempting thing–romance novels in this case–must be eliminated.
    You made the point that there’s nothing someone outside of Guy #2 can do to keep that “person” from lusting. In other words it depends on the individual not to feed the lust but to subdue it as you have chosen to do in your life.

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  12. Dayle Avatar
    Dayle

    Good points, Nicole
    I know it’s off topic, but the internet has really made it hard for men. The shame/emarrassment factor has been eliminated. The triple x store is now in the privacy of our homes and it’s free.

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  13. Nicole Avatar
    Nicole

    Yeah, it’s tough, Dayle. It’s always tough. Humanity comes with its built-in weaknesses. Definitely not easy to fight against the things which drive us to sin.

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