Into the Fire

                   This is part of Chapter Five from Sweet Release.

CHAPTER FIVE

     CM passed an attractive woman on her way down the hall, her face puffy from crying. When she reached the double doors leading into the ICU, her mom came out to meet her, her eyes like those of the woman she’d just passed. Her mom reached out and hugged her only child.

     “Come in and talk to your father. Thank you for getting here so quickly.” Her words lurched from her mouth.

     CM wanted to reply but couldn’t and numbly followed her mother.

     He lay in the hospital bed with a heavily bandaged leg. His handsome face, though lined and telling a bit of the tale of his fast living, was bruised, and a rather wide bandage spread across his forehead with a patch of blood expanding through the center of it. Several tubes grew from his arms, his color pale, almost ashen.

     After letting CM take in his appearance, her mother stated, “He’s lost a lot of blood. They’re going to operate soon because they think he’s bleeding internally.” Her mom stopped a sob with a deep breath.

     CM struggled with the reality of the situation, and she fought against fainting. She could feel her sight being threatened by a blackness creeping around the sides of her eyes. She looked for a chair, found one and sat down fast, dropping her head between her knees.

     Immediately her mother knelt down in front of her. “Honey, are you going to be alright?” Her voice soft.

     “I’m sorry, Mom,” she said weakly, keeping her head down. “You don’t need this.”  She sucked in some deep breaths, furious with herself. Finally she dared to raise her head, taking another deep breath. She placed her arms on the sides of the chair. 

     Hearing the voices, Eric Rutheford became conscious again. “CM,” he rasped.

     CM took another deep breath and turned in her chair. “Yeah, Dad. I’m right here,” she managed to say quietly. 

     With considerable effort, he moved his arm over so he could reach her hand. She clasped it. “Mom said you have to have some surgery,” she said, trying to keep her voice level.

     “CM, I need to tell you a few things before I go,” he labored.

     “Dad, please, it’s too hard for you to talk right now. You can tell me after surgery. I’ll be here. We’ll both be here.”

     “No,” he replied quickly and more firmly. “Honey, it has to be now.”

     Her dad hadn’t called her “honey” since she was a little girl.

     “I’ve been a terrible father to you and a worse husband to your mother. To tell you the truth, I didn’t really understand it until a few months ago.” He coughed, pain in the sound. CM forced deep breaths again and strained to hold back tears. “I thought—as stupid as it sounds—I thought I was just living my life. That this was just me.” She watched him strain to get his thoughts in order. “Please, help me,” he whispered, looking above him at the ceiling.

     CM jumped up. “What do you need, Dad? The nurse? Some water?”

     A trace of a smile crossed his lips. “No, just bear with me, honey. Sit down. I’m trying to get this out in case I don’t make it out of surgery.”

     “Dad, don’t be saying that! Of course you’re going to make it out of surgery. You know what? You shouldn’t be trying to talk. Mom, tell him. He should rest up for surgery.” She babbled. Her tears flowed. Out of control. Everything beyond her control.  Why in the world was there never any control?!

     “Honey, listen to me now,” he said with more strength but with a kindness she couldn’t ever remember him having when he gave instruction.

     “I’ve been a louse. I hurt your mother and you to the enth degree. I was a coward—I was afraid of settling down and taking on responsibility. I wanted to be the dashing playboy because I was so afraid I’d be a rotten father. I never gave myself a chance to be one. I bailed on your mother and you for the first time after only two years of marriage even though I loved her. CM, I’ve always loved your mother and you.” The tears began to drain from her father’s eyes, causing her to nearly convulse from holding back her own. “The other women were toys. I know that’s ugly, and I’m truly ashamed, but I thought I needed them to make me feel like a man, to make me feel like I was worth something. I gave up real love with you and your mom for this counterfeit empty sex thing, and I want you to know how terribly sorry I am. I am just so, so sorry.”  He began to sob, and CM fell apart.

     “I love you, Dad,” she managed to say.

     “Then will you do me a favor, honey?” he asked wearily, his strength ebbing.

     “Yes, Dad. What?”

     “A little bit ago, I met Jesus Christ. I asked Him to forgive me for what I’d done to you and your mom and everyone else in my life. He’s become my Savior, so if I don’t make it out of surgery, I’ll be with Him in heaven. I’ll be alright either way, CM. I don’t blame you if you can’t forgive me for what I’ve done, but I hope you can find a way—the only way I know to find forgiveness is through God. Would you consider investigating the Lord for me, CM?” He paused and fought for a breath. “Please, honey, would you do that for me?”

     She looked at her dad, unable to compute what he was saying to her. He might as well have asked her to eat a big horned toad. She looked at him as if she’d never seen him before and then she looked across the bed to her mother who sat expectantly, holding on to his other hand with both of her own, a faint smile on her lips.

     “Will you, honey?” he asked with less strength and his eyes closed.

     Just then the attendants arrived with a gurney to transport him.

     “CM?” he asked as he forced his eyes to look directly into her stunned blue eyes.

     “Sure, Dad. Yeah, I’ll do that for you,” she managed to answer a little above a whisper.

     “Thank you, sweetheart. So much,” he said before they took him away.

     CM sat in the chair unfamiliar in this world. She glanced toward her mother who’d stood when they took her father, still staring down the hall, now empty. Her mother seemed to be in control of her emotions now—how such a thing would ever be possible again for herself CM had to wonder. My dad met Jesus Christ? He might as well have said he met Superman or the Green Hornet. Was he delirious from medication? She almost wished he was. 

Father, again, I thank you for every word, thought, inspiration. And thank you is never enough. In the Name of Jesus, Amen.