Into the Fire

due: 1)payable immediately or on demand 2)owed as a debt 3)owed by right, convention, or courtesy; fitting or appropriate 4)meeting special requirements; sufficient, adequate 5)expected or scheduled; especially appointed to arrive

I have always believed in “paying your dues”, but my meaning here is not in the conventional sense of belonging to something that requires a monetary fee. Rather I’m speaking in the sense of entering into something new and having to “learn the ropes”. Sorry for the cliches, but sometimes they fit.

When I went to the racetrack, all I had going for me was a deep love for horses. Since childhood utterances, horses were in my vocabulary and on all my wish lists. (I once told Santa I would give him a dollar to help him buy me one. 🙂 ) I had been around horses before, ridden them, attended a dude ranch for 3 two-week summer stints, but I had never done anything professionally with them and especially not Thoroughbred race horses. The whole experience was like a dream come true, and, like I do, I put my whole heart and soul into learning about them and horse racing. This city girl had found a “home”.
You couldn’t learn the business in a year. In fact, you couldn’t really learn it in a few years, but if you kept at it and took in everything there was to absorb, eventually you could get as far as you aimed to get in the industry. Along the way you discovered there were equal parts you embraced and rejected.

Now over 30 years later, here I am in the second “career” of my lifetime, all grown up (sort of), and having to learn from the beginning all over again. And, like I said, I don’t mind paying my dues. Digging in, listening, reading, trying to retain all the information in spite of the conflicting gamut of suggestions, must do-s, unlimited how to, what to, when to, and why to books. I love the e-mail friendships more than anything as far as establishing contacts. You people are amazing, honest, fabulous, and a total blessing to my life.

But, and you no doubt knew this was coming, I’ve about had it with paying my dues. I’m like an unshapely peg in a perfectly carved system. I’m like the fingernail scraping on the blackboard to agents and editors alike (maybe with one exception of each, I hope). I tend not to agree with conventional wisdom and assessments in the fiction for God world, and my opinions, of course, cannot be taken seriously because I have nothing to recommend them besides the kiss of death: one self-published huge epic novel. GASP! OH NO! NOT self-published. EEEEWWWW! And it’s BIG, too. YUK! Wordy, ignorant, self-edited goofy fool!

You know what? I figure if I like long, involved novels and am growing weary of the regular-sized fiction pieces which seem to be following the “successful” formula to the letter more and more, to the point where you really do know where the story’s going by the critical 20 page mark, I can’t be alone, can I? I’ve never been more frustrated by that fact. And, no, I don’t understand it. I don’t care what anyone says in explanation of how a novel should be written, I cannot understand why a reader wants to have an entire book figured out by 20 pages into it. And I guess I never will.

I love to read a good story. I don’t care how long it takes to get into it if it’s written well and doesn’t feel like a formulaic read. But the past few books I’ve read by some good authors–at least ones I’ve enjoyed–have churned out these “perfectly” adhered to the formula novels, and I’ve been disappointed in the books. Yes, they taught me structure, sticking to the story (at all costs), this leads to this, and that to that, and bingo, we’re done. Not cool. I need more. But that’s just me. And I have nothing to my credit to show that I’ve paid my dues, nothing to make my comments valid to you or to anyone, nothing to give me a worthwhile voice in the land of publishing. Seven books almost done, but no merit to my opinion. And that’s O.K. because there is One who cares about what I think and have to say.

Father, you know exactly what I have to do to be the one you want me to be. You care about me. You love me in spite of me. And I love you. Therefore, I will strive to obey you, to humble myself before you, to listen with my whole heart, and to love you with all my being. Please give me new insight, new revelation from your word, and strengthen me in my walk with you. I can trust you. Help me to do just that even more. In the Name of Jesus, Amen.